another day in paradise
by ohthelinsanity
Summary: Sakura's truck is broken, Naruto is Liam Neeson, Kakashi marries dogs for a living, and Sasuke just really wants to go home. It's pretty much the worst road trip ever.


_._

 _another day in paradise_

 _._

"We should have taken my car."

As Sakura props the hood of her truck up, she tries to will away the hundreds of insults that come flooding her mind: it is 102 degrees, her truck just broke down, and even though they've only been on the side of the rode for _maybe_ 60 seconds, Naruto's already whining about being thirsty. So all in all, Sakura isn't really in the mood to get into something with Sasuke.

The engine gives one last cough just as Naruto rounds the front of the car. He nods his head sagely and rubs his chin in a mockery of one of his favorite literature professors before he announces, "Doctor Haruno, I believe your car has polio."

She starts to regret having Naruto proofread her pathology dissertation.

Sasuke snorts and joins her at her other side and says in what has to be the most condescending tone he can manage: "Polio was eradicated in the U.S in 1979. Idiot."

Sakura can't believe these are her friends.

She rolls her eyes and starts poking around under the hood, not really knowing what she's doing. Like, at all. Too bad it's the car that's broken and not Sasuke. She's pulled more than one kidney out of a cadaver, but as to where the car battery is? No fucking idea.

"Yeah, but Sakura's car is old as _balls_ ," Naruto shoots back, handing her a wrench from a tool box he had fetched from the bed of her truck. Fuck. The hell is she supposed to do with this? "And since polio is old as balls, it could very well have polio. Probably has had it for years."

"Naruto's right," and she fights a grin at his pleased shout. "Show a little sympathy for F.D. Car."

"That was in poor taste."

Sakura simply tosses a thumb over her shoulder in limp gesture to where Naruto is more or less choking on his own tongue he's laughing so hard. "Naruto thinks I'm funny. Besides," she adds as an afterthought when she sees Sasuke giving her car a look that is so not deserving of a plucky '77 Ford that has carried them 750 miles, "You're not one to be commenting on _taste."_

He scowls. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you drive a P.T Cruiser," Naruto supplies, sobering up with impressive speed. "Me and Sakura wouldn't be caught dead traveling across the country in one of _those."_

Sasuke looks absolutely _appalled_ and it almost makes being stranded in a desert in the middle of New Mexico worth it. "What's wrong with my car? At least that thing has air conditioning."

Wedging the wrench Naruto had given her into the elbow crook of Sasuke's crossed arms, Sakura puts on a sympathetic look. "It has faux wooden paneling on the side." She pats his arm in condolences.

"I got it for a _steal."_

 _"_ _Faux. Wood. Paneling."_

His face starts to get more than a little red, and Sakura likes to think it's not just from the sun. "Well what about Naruto?" He grips the wrench and points. "You can't possibly think his car is any better than mine."

Naruto, while normally one to defend his ride, waits patiently for Sakura's answer; most likely because he knows it's going to fall into his favor. "Of _course_ it is."

"Sakura."

"What?"

"He drives a replica jeep from the Jurassic Park movies."

"Everyone likes dinosaurs, Sasuke."

He gives up after that, twirling the wrench in his hand. Determination sweeps over his expression and Sakura can see him willing the blush from his cheeks. "Move," he tells her, bumping shoulder to shoulder with her so he can claim his spot at the front of the hood. "I'll fix this."

The truck rocks with Naruto's weight as he jumps on the bed of the truck and climbs all the way to the top of the roof. "Oh, Sasuke!" He shouts with flamboyant flair, batting his eyelashes and draping the back of his hand on his forehead. "What _ever_ would we do without you? My knight in shining…" he pauses, and opens a single eye, looking him up and down. "…polo and golf shorts." Naruto slumps, so much that his crudely cut tank top hangs low enough that Sakura has a good view of his chest, covered in a dark spiral tattoo. "Damn. You really bring down the group average, Mr. _Boat Shoes_."

Sakura bursts out laughing as she joins him on the roof of her car, silently praying that their combined weight doesn't put a dent she can't pop out later. She snags the baseball cap that's planted sideways on Naruto's hat and puts it on her own head, spinning the bill to the back of her head.

"If anyone brings down the group average it's _you,"_ Sasuke retorts oh-so-wittily, not looking up from under the hood. Sakura's starting to suspect he doesn't really know what he's doing either.

"Doesn't matter," Sakura amends, turning the bill to the front. The sun is bright and Naruto sat on her sunglasses about 100 miles ago when they stopped for gas. "You two wouldn't be worth anything without me."

The boys don't respond, and it puts a wicked grin on Sakura's face.

But the silence doesn't last long.

"I'm thirsty," Naruto whines beside her, letting his sweaty forehead fall on her shoulder. Normally, she finds the whole thing endearing, but all he's doing is getting smelly sweat on her sunburned shoulder. She pushes him away as gently as she can which only makes him whine more. "Don't we have anything to drink?"

They do. But it's not exactly _ice cold and refreshing._ However, it will certainly make this whole situation more bearable, as well as an added bonus of making Sasuke want to pull out his hair.

She hops off the truck and opens the passenger door, stretching to reach past Naruto's empty candy wrappers that he left on her floor ("Naruto, if we ever get out of this desert, throw this shit _away"_ ) to grab the one piece of trash in the cup holder that will actually save them: a giant plastic cup from QT that still has some icy remnants of her Mountain Dew in it from their last pit stop 45 minutes ago.

After she slams the passenger's door shut, Sasuke has to reach out to prevent the hood from collapsing and cutting off his hand. He throws her a look that says _see? Your car is most definitely a piece of shit and we should have taken mine I hate you_ while she promptly ignores him and goes through one of her athletic bags thrown hastily in the bed to pull out a beautiful honey-tinted bottle of Birddog Peach Whiskey.

Sakura wiggles the bottle tauntingly at Naruto, and he breaks into a trademarked shit-eating grin.

"I can hear you two being idiots," Sasuke grumbles from under the hood, but again, Sakura ignores him in favor of the sound of pouring half a bottle of whiskey over slushy ice. Naruto lets out a more than girlish giggle as she slaps the red lid back on and takes a long sip. It's not the _best_ mix, but she's sure in about 30 minutes, that won't matter in the slightest.

Naruto yanks the cup out of her hand and goes to sunbathe in the bed of the truck while Sakura rounds the front in time to see Sasuke wiping his brow with his shirt, leaving a nice view of his abs. Yum. "I think the car's overheated."

"You _think?"_

He shrugs. "Yeah. Just let it rest for a bit and if that doesn't work we flag someone down and get some coolant. Leave the hood up," he nods, handing Sakura the wrench that went unused.

"Awww," Sakura coos, giving the front headlight of her truck a little pat. "It has a fever."

Naruto cackles from the back. "Hah! It really does have polio."

When Sakura joins in the laughter, Sasuke immediately recoils, giving her a small push. "Oh, for fuck's sake. You already broke out the booze?"

The QT cup comes into view as Naruto waves it around. "It's whiskey, your faaaaaavorite! Wanna sip?"

"No," Sasuke scowls; a bead of sweat rolls down his temple and he holds out his palm, making a gimme gesture. Sakura yanks off a hair tie from her wrist and passes it over so he can tie his hair up in one of those half pony-tails Naruto loves to make fun of. "One of us has to be able to drive us out of this shit hole."

Sakura shrugs and skips back to retrieve the cup for her fair share of sips. "That'll be _forever," s_ he points out, gesturing to the sad looking two-lane highway with no signs of life. She pulls out her phone and checks for bars—no service.

Sasuke has his own phone out as well. "I don't have any either," he grunts before he tips his head and barks out a sharp, "Naruto!"

"Phone's dead."

It's scary how synchronized Sakura and Sasuke have gotten at rolling their eyes at anything Naruto does.

Sakura takes another sip of her craftily concocted Mountain Dew infused alcohol before she makes for a slight running start in hopes of an Olympic-worthy hurdle jump into the bed of her truck. She does pretty well considered she's only got one free hand, but the slick, worn bottom of her leather boot slips against the side. She would have gotten a mouthful of dirt if not for their knight in shining polo and golf shorts who heroically puts a hand on her ass and shoves her into the truck, right into Naruto's lap.

Naruto grabs the cup before it has the chance to spill and throws Sakura a lopsided grin. He snatches his hat back and takes a sip. "Why, hello there Booboo," he teases.

She sticks her tongue out and swipes the cup back. He can keep the hat, for now. The truck jostles again as Sasuke joins them on the bed, choosing a nice, safe distance as far away as possible on the other side. He digs into his bag and pulls out something that can only be described as _despicable contraband._

"BOOOOOO!" Sakura and Naruto whine. She even goes as far as to aim the cup for Sasuke's stupid pony-tail, but Naruto grabs it before she can chuck it. "No school stuff! We agreed to leave that shit at home!"

In an annoying gesture, Sasuke pushes his sunglasses from the top of his head onto the bridge of his nose. "You agreed," he says behind the book labeled _LSAT PREP._ "I did no such thing, I should study."

"It can't be that hard. The MCATs were a breeze."

"Well, we can't all be annoyingly smart as you." Sasuke pauses. "What did you get?"

"….43?"

She can't see it, but she knows he's rolling his eyes. "Of course you did," he mumbled, followed by something much softer that sounded a lot like _you snarky little genius_ which absolutely warmed her already over-heated heart.

Naruto however, gives Sakura a solemn look. "43? That's not like you, Sakura. Don't worry," he pats her shoulder and encourages her to take another sip of whiskey. "You'll do better next time!"

"Naruto, they're not graded like—never mind," she sighs. It's not worth explaining in this heat. Back to Sasuke. "Come on, you can study that shit later!"

"Why does it matter?" he asks, flipping a page. "It's not like we're sightseeing and having a grand old time." His sarcasm is almost palpable. "We're in the middle of nowhere waiting for your stupid truck to cool down so it doesn't hack up a battery."

Climbing out of Naruto's lap, Sakura makes a grab for the LSAT book—she misses. "Come on, Sasuke! Sure, we're not betting our life savings over in Vegas or whatever, but we can make this a memorable time."

"Sakura's right." Ah, music to her ears. She loves being right. "Before you know it we'll all be apart and you'll be wishing you had these dumb memories. Sakura's going to ship herself off to some medical school across the country," Shit, he knows about that? "You'll be making futile efforts to follow in your family's footsteps by going to boring law school in Boston," Ouch, low blow. "And I'll—"

"—still be delivering pizzas?" Sasuke drawled.

"Keep it up and you can say goodbye to your free meat lover pies." Naruto deflates, just a little. "Don't be an ass. You promised us _that much_ when we took this trip."

He has a point.

And luckily, Sasuke concedes—he puts his book down on the truck but just to be safe, Sakura reaches for it and chucks it out into the shoulder of the road.

"Gee. Thanks."

"You're welcome!"

Sasuke runs his hand through his hair before he fixes his pony-tail. "Fine. What lovey-dovey shit do you want to talk about."

"Eh," Naruto shrugs, nabbing the whiskey and taking a long drink. "I just wanted to bug Sakura about Ino."

Sasuke smirks and Sakura suddenly thinks a heat stroke wouldn't be so bad.

In a shoddy attempt of nonchalance, Sakura whistles a calm tune and inspects her nails, but eventually Naruto and Sasuke's mischievous grins become too much to ignore. _"What."_ She grits through her teeth.

Naruto asks with as much class as he can, which isn't any. "How long have you been a lesbian?"

Sakura's green eyes drift heavenward while she mouths prayers to a God she doesn't believe in.

"Was it because of my brother?" Sasuke asks, a little too hopefully if you ask her. Those exact suspicions are confirmed when he adds, "Please say it was because of my brother."

It's no secret that Sasuke wasn't fond of the two months she spent dating Itachi. Honestly, she wouldn't have lasted more than two weeks if it hadn't been so fun torturing Sasuke with the situation. "Nah, your brother had a mighty fine dick," she tells him calmly and she watches with glee as all the color drains from Sasuke's face. "And Naruto," she interrupts his laughing fest. "I've _always_ liked women as well. I thought that was obvious."

"Obvious!?" Naruto sputters. "Like how?"

"Why the hell do you think I _always_ went over to your house in high school?" She waits for his epiphany.

It's well worth the wait.

"My _MOM!?"_

"Kushina's hot," Sakura and surprisingly, Sasuke, says at the same time. They share a shocked look before it melts into a shrug of mutual understanding.

Meanwhile, Naruto looks like he's about claw out his eyeballs. Sakura tries to assuage his worries with a few good chugs of whiskey. "I thought all this time you were drooling over my _dad—"_

"Oh, I was. Please don't think for one second I don't appreciate both of your young hot parents, because I totally do."

"—but you were looking at my _mom_ too! GAH! MY _MOTHER."_

Sakura snorts and grabs for more whiskey. She's starting to get drunk because she's sure that sober her wouldn't be so open to discussing how hot Naruto's mom is. " _You guys_ drool over my mom all the time, how is this any different?"

Naruto immediately sobers, looks down at his chest and uses his hands to cup the air around his pecs. "She's got big," he squeezes his fingers, leaving the rest unsaid. "It's _unreal._ Tsunade should donate those suckers to the Smithsonian or something."

Okay, fair point. Even Sakura stares from time to time in stark admiration.

She's about to try and steer the conversation away from her mother's breasts when a small, teeny tiny dot of salvation appears down the long and dusty road. "A car!" she hisses, scrambling to stand up.

At first she can't tell what it is: it's not big enough to be a coach bus full of old people on a trip to Vegas, but it's too big to be a sedan with a wife and husband and two rowdy kids. "What is that….?" She mumbles to herself.

It's bulky and stark white, but the shape is familiar enough. "Is that a….food truck?"

Naruto jumps up so fast Sasuke nearly gets a knee to the face. "Food!? Ho-ly-shit. Do you think they'd sell us tacos?"

"What makes you think it's a taco truck." Sasuke says.

"We're in New Mexico."

Sasuke crosses his arms and looks rather bougie. Which is to say, his normal appearance if you ask her. "I'm not eating anything off a truck that sketch."

"Don't be a baby," Naruto scoffs, "I've eaten off food trucks all the time and I can honestly say this one—"

The side of the truck comes into view enough for them to read the side which says in faded and worn letters:

 _The Dog Pound_

 _Not Your Typical Wieners!_

"—is definitely for sure no good. Sakura, we're not eating off that food truck."

Boys are ridiculous.

"Fine, whatever, I don't care," she huffs, pushing their sweaty bodies away from her. "But I'm still flagging them down. Maybe they can tell us what's wrong with the truck or give us some _water_ to help cool it down?" Sakura tries to step off the bed of the truck but again she's yanked down by both arms.

"No," Sasuke says firmly, with an equally firm grip on her wrist. "That guy's probably a serial killer."

"Don't be stupid."

"Or a human trafficker!" Naruto tacks on. "Sakura, I won't let you be sold into the sex trade."

"Thanks, _Liam Neeson,"_ Sakura seethes between grit teeth, "But in case you hadn't noticed there's nobody for miles and if we don't ask for help we're going to _die_ out here and—oh my god. Is he reading a magazine?"

The three of them use their hands as a visor to look down the road as the truck comes strolling down at a lazy pace and when Sakura squints _really hard,_ she sees that the driver might in fact be holding a big dumb magazine in front of his entire face.

"Oh cool, he's an idiot," Sasuke says with amounts of sass only he's capable of. "All the more to not—"

"I'm gonna flash him."

The boys' shock gives her enough time to get off the truck and to the side of the road with no hassle, but then they're shouting and scrambling to stop her.

"Sakura, he's not paying _attention,"_ Sasuke snaps, struggling to beat Naruto out of the truck. "He'll run you straight over!"

"Hah!" Sakura snorts, "Not in this bra."

Naruto looks thoughtful and grips Sasuke's shoulders to stop him. "Wait. Are you wearing the pale green lacy one?"

"Mmmhm."

"…the one with the bows?"

"The one and only."

"Oh." His grip on Sasuke gets tighter. "Proceed."

Sasuke squawks not entirely unlike a crow and tries to break out of the hold. "Are you an idiot? I'm not lugging around Sakura's dead body when she gets hit by a fucking food truck."

"Just watch," Naruto stage whispers, hushing him like the petulant child he is. "And be _mesmerized."_

Sakura walks to the other lane of the road, stands facing the oncoming truck and rips open the buttons on her flannel shirt.

The truck flies by and keeps going for 3 seconds before it comes to a screeching halt.

It's only when the reverse lights come on and the truck backs up does Sakura allow herself to smile.

She's got a good view of the driver's side as the man comes to a slow stop, elbow resting out of his open window. The magazine he's got over his face slowly falls into his lap (It's a PLAYBOY for FUCK'S SAKE) and Sakura is greeted with the sight of one of the strangest looking men she's ever seen—well, from what she can tell. There isn't much to see.

His grey hair is wild and unruly—it reminds her of Doc Brown, if she has to be honest—and it's paired with a cute bandana with dog bones that is covering all of his mouth and nose. He gives her a two-finger peace sign and his eyes crinkle with what she imagines is a smile underneath the bandana.

"Yo."

Sakura still has both hands on the lapels of her flannel, holding her shirt open for all eyes to see. "Hi," she says short and sweet. "Me and my friends have some car trouble. Do you mind having a look to help us figure it out?"

The man turns off the engine just as a chubby little pug with a sullen face pops up in his lap, and Sakura's poorly thought out plan of _allure_ drops suddenly to make way for childish wonderment. "Oh my god a dog," she says stupidly, eyes bugged like she'd never seen one before. "Guys!" She calls over to her friends, "He has a puppy dog!"

Sasuke makes it over in record speed and takes a slightly defensive stance beside her, mumbling something about "child-bait". He gives the man a disapproving look down, but it's Naruto who takes it to another level with a declaration of, "Do you sell hotdogs?"

Sakura rolls her eyes.

"Hmm?" the man holds the pug out the window and passes him to Sakura's greedy hands. "Oh, the truck," he finally says. "No, I don't sell hotdogs. I just bought it."

"You never thought to repaint it?" Sasuke drawls.

The man blinks owlishly, one eye heavily scarred from brow to cheek. "Of course not. It holds character." He gazes at his own van like it's Mount Rushmore. "I find the painted Dachshund rather—dashing."

It takes approximately 1.7 seconds for Sasuke's mood to sour this already budding friendship. "It's eyes are crooked."

"Character."

From the back of the truck there's a loud bark that almost has Naruto jumping out of his shorts when the metal paneling on the truck shakes. "Oh, don't mind Bull. He's just grumpy I've woken his nap."

"You have a _bull?"_ Naruto squawks, cowering behind Sakura for cover. He grips the unbuttoned flaps of her shirt and nearly sticks his head underneath.

"No. _Bull._ My appropriately named bulldog, _"_ The man corrects happily, scratching behind the ears of the dogs in his lap. "This is Pakkun, and then there's Biscuit, Shiba, Akino, Guruko—"

Sakura shoves Naruto out of the way, looking longingly at the back of the van. "You have more dogs?" The barking gets louder. "In the back?"

"Sure do." The man unbuckles his seatbelt and heads to the back of his truck. "Now, let's go see about your car, shall we? I think I've got a tool box in the back…"

The three of them follow him around to the passenger's side where bandana man opens what can only be described as the gates to doggy heaven as seven dogs of various breed and size come barreling out of the truck like water out of a dam. They bypass Sakura and more or less tackle Sasuke and Naruto like they're the NFL's best offensive line.

"Don't worry about them," Clint Eastwood rip-off waves his hand dismissively, "They're pretty friendly. Only one of them has ever bitten anyone."

From underneath 50 pounds of dog saliva, Naruto and Sasuke shriek a shockingly similar, _"Which one!?"_

Pakkun is dead weight in her hands as Sakura follows the eccentric man into his truck (she can already picture Tsunade throwing a bottle of liquor at her for her stupidity) only to stop dead in her tracks at the top of the stairs and nearly dropping the dog in the process.

It was like stepping into a fucking IKEA, except instead of furniture it was frilly dog dresses, miniature tuxedos, veils, bedazzled dog collars, fake flowers, half a dozen Edibles Arrangements: The Petsmart Dog Treat Edition, stupid little hats that probably couldn't even fit on her knuckles, posters, flowered leashes, a currently deconstructed miniature gazeebo, cameras, lights, and what was probably the most creepy: a wall completely covered in dog wedding photos.

Holy Fucking Shit.

"Sakura, what—OH MY GOD."

Sakura jumps out of her stupor just as Naruto reaches around her middle protectively; Pakkun jumps out of her arms and to the ground with a nonchalance that has her thinking this dog sees too much bullshit each and every day.

"YOU CAN'T MARRY OFF SAKURA FOR YOUR CREEPY MAIL-IN-ORDER BRIDE SERVICE, YOU DICKHEAD."

Sasuke appears at the door of the van, hair slicked with dog slobber, brows drawn together in a scowl. "What the hell—"

The grip on her waist gets tighter, Sakura starts to wonder if it's medically possible for her organs to get rearranged in her abdomen. "THIS JOHN WAYNE LOOKIN' MOTHERFUCKER WANTS TO SELL SAKURA INTO THE SEX INDUSTRY."

Clearly about to make some snarky reply, Sasuke curls his lips into a sneer only to have his eyes widen and his jaw go a bit slack as he takes notice of the contents of the truck. There's a short pause before he says, "Get her off the truck. Now."

"Don't have to tell me twice!"

Before Sakura can even protest Naruto is collecting her in the arms and throwing her out the passenger's side like she's one of his smelly gym duffle bags, right into Sasuke's waiting arms. She considers the bridal style in which he's holding her and doesn't think the irony could get more tangible. "Guys! You're being ridiculous!"

"I feel inclined to agree," the man agrees, a small dog veil on his head as he joins the rest of them off the truck. "I only do dog weddings. Besides," he drawls the last word out suspiciously, staring Sasuke straight in the eyes. "…I think I'd have a different target in mind."

It's absolutely silent for about 5 seconds, so much that Sakura can hear what little sanity Sasuke has left unravel. He leans down and whispers in her ear. "Sakura."

"Yeah?"

"If we ever get your godforsaken truck running again, I want you to run me over with it."

"Hah!" Naruto bellows out a laugh. "He said the same thing to me when he found out you had sex with Itachi."

This time Sakura laughs, and Sasuke has no problem with dropping her right on her ass.

She gets up easy enough, dusting herself off with a sly smile still on her face. At this point she realizes that her shirt is still wide open, but with the buttons popped and long gone, she figures it's a lost cause; so she shrugs the flannel off and ties it around her waist. "So!" she chirps. "Truck?"

"Sure thing, Blossom." He tucks a tool set she hadn't seen him get under his arm and pats each of his dogs on the head as he walks over to Sakura's polio-ridden car.

"It's Sakura," she says, realizing she hasn't even told him her name yet. "But you were close." Scary close, actually.

"So I heard," he hums, looking under the hood. He doesn't offer his name in return, he just stares under the hood, fiddling with this and poking that. "I'm Kakashi."

He probably stands there for at least five minutes before Naruto asks, "Uh…so, do you know what's wrong?"

"Oh!" and Kakashi sounds like he's forgotten why he's even there, "I don't know a thing about cars."

Sasuke groans, throwing a hand up in the air. "Then why the hell have you been standing there like an idiot?"

His eye closes in happy little crescents. "To mess with you, Buttercup."

It is honestly a modern day miracle that Sasuke doesn't have a brain aneurism right then and there.

"Well then," Sakura clicks her tongue. "Do you think you could…..maybe give us a lift to a mechanic? There's probably one in the next town over."

Both Sasuke and Naruto look like she just admitted to murder. Although, considering the situation, it's probably more along the lines of a suicide pact or something.

"I can do that," Kakashi says, closing Sakura's hood down with a loud thud. He slips his hands fingers underneath his bandana and whistles sharply; all his dogs save Pakkun go running for the food truck, clambering in the passenger's side like it's a race. "I hope you don't mind riding with the pups."

"No!" Naruto chirps just as Sasuke lets out a "Yes."

Sakura grins. "They'll be fine."

As Kakashi steps back into the truck with Naruto at his heels, Sasuke grabs Sakura by the crook of her elbow and pulls her back to their truck. "Are you sure about this? This guy is weird as fuck," he grunts, taking one last forlorn look at the paint job on the side of the truck.

"Sasuke," Sakura says sweetly, perhaps overly so, "He marries _Pomeranians._ Weird, but harmless. How dangerous could he be?"

"Don't _say_ that."

She shrugs. "We'll be fine. With you, who wouldn't? My little knight in shining Boat Shoes," she teases, patting his cheek a few times—it's sticky with sweat and dog slobber.

Sasuke rolls his eyes until something catches his attention and his cheeks go red. "Sakura."

"Yeah."

"….Do you want my shirt."

She looks down at her chest and grabs both her breasts in each hand, lifting them up and pushing them together. "Nah," she grins. "They look pretty good, don't you think?"

Sakura is more than pleased to see that Sasuke's face is beet red as he tries to do the decent thing and look away.

They grab the valuables out of the Sakura's pick-up before they join Naruto and Kakashi in the food truck. Naruto's already made himself comfy in the back, using the dogs and various wedding dresses as a sort of throne for himself. "Dogs are soft," he sighs happily, snuggling into Bull.

"I call shotgun!" Sakura exclaims, taking the small seat that's situated sideways behind the driver's seat. Sasuke mumbles something that's sure to be a complaint of some sort as he tries to grip what was probably an old cook's counter and is now being used to hold the baskets of bedazzled dog collars.

Kakashi pulls out into the road and it takes 4 seconds for Sakura to realize that this ride is going to be anything but smooth—the truck bounces up and down like a jackhammer.

"Your suspension is shit," Sasuke gruffs.

Sakura looks up and sees Sasuke fighting to stand on his own two feet. "How come you know what suspension is, but you can't figure out what's wrong with my car?"

His glare might have been menacing if his eyes weren't rattling inside his brain.

"So!" Sakura chirps, leaning forward so Kakashi can hear her over what sounds to be Phil Collins blasting on his shit radio. "What's with the mask?"

"Dust," Kakashi answers. "Desert is full of it."

"I don't buy it," Naruto chimes in from the back, still basking in puppy kisses. "It's not _that_ dusty."

Kakashi coughs pathetically before he reaches for the magazine he was reading when Sakura had flagged him down. "My poor old lungs beg to differ."

He practically presses the magazine to his nose before Sakura lurches forward and grabs the Playboy. "Give me that," she admonishes, rolling her eyes. "Honestly. Reading while driving?" she flips nonchalantly through the pages. "I can't believe you haven't crashed— _whoa baby!"_

"Page 27?" He hums, the page in question _clearly_ memorized.

Sakura manages to tear her eyes away from the model to look at the page number. "Oh yeah. She's _hot."_

"What!? Lemme see!" Naruto screeches, scrambling up and almost stepping on a few dog tails in the process. Sakura's smile grows lecherous as she tosses Sasuke a wink before Naruto rips the magazine out of her hands; all the color drains from his face before he forcefully shoves the magazine back in Sakura's hand. "Sakura!" he whines.

"What?"

"She looks like my _mom!"_

"I know." She pauses, checking the date on the magazine. "Hey, how exactly old is this edition?"

Naruto pulls at his hair and tries to grab the magazine again, this time no doubt to toss it across the truck in hopes that a dog might eat it. "MY MOM WAS NOT A PORN MODEL."

Sakura dodges Naruto's swipes and tosses the Playboy into Sasuke's unsuspecting hands. "Page 27," she reminds him.

"NO. SASUKE DON'T LOOK."

Sasuke's face is impressively passive as he thumbs the pages and takes a look. "Huh. It kinda does look like Kushina."

"YOU SUCK."

"No shouting, Bubbles," Kakashi pets at Pakkun with one hand. "You'll upset my dogs. I'd hate to have to throw you out of a speeding truck."

Naruto manages to crane his head just over Bull's back. "You wouldn't."

"Hmmm," Kakashi hums, pretending to mull it over. "It wouldn't be so hard. After all, my first impression of you all is…."

The three wait.

"…I hate you!" He finishes all too cheerily.

Sasuke scoffs, hands going up to re-tie his hair in a pony just as Kakashi's shit suspension rattles the truck, causing him to lose balance and topple right into Naruto's homemade Throne of Dogs.

"Oi, watch it bastard!" Naruto yells at a decibel that has the dogs whimpering and whining—his voice is like a fucking dog whistle; he splays five fingers and shoves an open hand into Sasuke's face.

Sakura turns her head just in time to see Sasuke and Bull wearing matching snarls as he swats Naruto's hand away. "Get your filthy hands off me, moron."

"You wanna fight, Mr. Country Club?"

Using her Mom Voice, Sakura pinches the bridge of her nose and snips out a, "Guys. Cut it out," but it falls on deaf ears as Sasuke lunges for Naruto and puts him in a headlock.

The dogs don't seem to mind it—they all must think that Naruto and Sasuke are just two incredibly nerdy and stupid puppies that Kakashi picked up off the side of the road (it's not _not_ true) and are just playing. Bull kind of gets up and heads to another corner to finish his nap while Shiba and Bisuke start playfully nipping at their legs and arms, amazingly dodging the flying elbows and knees that are a hazard of the boys' stupid fight.

It's only when Akino starts humping Sasuke's leg that Kakashi intervenes. "Don't make me pull over," he threatens in what has to be the most indifferent tone Sakura has ever heard.

"Aww, come on," Sakura coos. Feeling a bit wily, she sidles up to Kakashi as best she can, deliberately pressing her chest into his shoulder. "You wouldn't want to get rid of us so easily—" she leans in closer, squishing her breasts further into his shoulder, "—would you?"

She can't be sure, but there might be a twinge of pink on his cheeks. "Don't worry. Bosom—" he clears his throat, "I mean, _Blossom,_ you can stay."

"It's Sakura," she corrects flatly.

"Same thing."

But like most of Naruto and Sasuke's fights, this one is short lived as well. And after a few more miles of Sakura yanking Playboy magazines (how many does he have?) out of Kakashi's hands and Naruto trying on dog veils and demanding Sasuke take a picture and snapshot it to Kankuro, they finally make it to a mechanic.

Kakashi pulls off at a small exit and drives a bit down a dirt road before he pulls into a small rundown gas station with the small rundown shopping strip consisting of exactly three things: a one garage mechanic, a sketch Subway sandwich shop, and a halal meat grocery.

Sasuke is the first one off the truck, using some of his lacrosse speed that Sakura hasn't seen in a few years and marches straight for the mechanic. Sakura and Naruto follow at a much lazier pace, watching from afar as the mechanic gets off the cooler he was sitting on. He looks normal enough, even with the blue-tinged lips he has from the popsicle that he was probably sucking on earlier; the stick is still in his mouth. Like Kakashi, he's also wearing a bandana, but his is around his head. In fact, it's the same color and as Sakura gets closer she notices there's little dog bones on it.

Just like—

"Oi! Kakashi! What the hell are you doing all the way out here?"

Fuck. Sasuke was right.

This really is a gangbang.

"Shit," Sakura hisses, reaching out for the closest weapon—which happened to be Naruto's arm. "Are we about to get fucked?" she whispers, already sending Sasuke a silent prayer of thanks for walking ahead and volunteering to be the first victim.

Naruto squeezes beside her, his sweaty skin rubbing uncomfortably on hers. "I don't know, but you're not helping being dressed like a prostitute."

Oh yeah. "Gimme your shirt," she demands, already tugging on the raggedy hem.

"Ask Sasuke, he's probably got 5 polo shirts in the back pocket of his designer shorts."

"Naruto. Your shirt."

"But then _I'll_ look like the prostitute!"

" _Naruto_."

They both go rigid as a hand is placed on one of each of their shoulders. "Maa, maa," Kakashi drawls. "Calm down. Nothing to worry about. Genma and I go way back, that's all."

"That's what a gang member would say," Naruto grumbles. "You're probably going to chop us up into pieces and feed us to your dogs. Your cannibal dogs!"

"Naruto, cannibal doesn't mean..." She sighs, because why bother. "Never mind."

Sakura wiggles out of Kakashi's grasp and sucks it up, making her way to join Sasuke who is _trying_ to explain what's happened to her truck.

"Sounds like y'all just need some coolant," the mechanic (Genma, apparently) says, playing with the popsicle stick in his mouth. "I'll bring my tow truck just in case, and we'll go down there and take a quick look."

"Thank you," Sasuke sighs, relieved. It seems he definitely prefers Genma over Kakashi and his eccentricities.

"Oi, before we go," Naruto drawls slowly, his eyes drifiting to the Subway on the corner of the strip. "….do you mind if I grab a sandwich?"

Sakura opens her mouth to tell him they don't have time, but then she realizes she is pretty hungry. Even Sasuke doesn't protest. "Yeah, sure. Sasuke, give him a 20."

He rolls his eyes but does as she asks, fishing out his wallet and giving Naruto a worn 20. "I want my change back," he says, but they all know he's not going to get his change back.

"I wouldn't eat there if I were you," Genma warns, heading into his garage for his tool kits and some coolant. "Their health score isn't the highest, if you catch my drift."

Sasuke wrinkles his nose in distaste, eyeing the grocery store. "What is a halal meat grocery anyway?"

Genma shrugs. "Beats me. But they got chips and sodas and shit."

"Done!" Naruto chirps, running straight over, most likely ignoring Sasuke's cries for something that isn't red hot Cheetos.

(He comes back with two sprites, a coke, and two bags of—you guessed it—red hot Cheetos)

"Well, I guess this is where we part ways," Kakashi says solemnly as Sasuke and Naruto have yet another argument about how they're all going to fit in the tow truck on the way to get Sakura's pick-up.

Sakura's about to murmur out some half-ass thank you when Kakashi slips her a business card; however on closer inspection, she finds it's not a business card, but an invitation. A _wedding_ invitation. A _dog_ wedding invitation.

Jesus. Christ.

"Oh," Sakura squawks out awkwardly, not really sure what to say. "Maple and Bandit," she reads the names aloud. "How cute."

"It's a mixed breed marriage," He nods sagely. "A very big deal." Sakura doesn't see how, considering mutts are a dime a dozen. Hell, Kakashi has two or three of his own. "The address is on the bottom of the card. It's nearby. Come if you can."

There was no way in hell. But Sakura wasn't going to say that. Instead, she found herself saying. "I might come….if I can see what's under that mask."

He unties the bandana and this time Sakura is _positive_ she has a heat stroke.

.

.

Two days later, the three of them find themselves at the wedding of Maple the golden retriever and Bandit the German shepherd.

Naruto, as typical with everything he does, is _so_ completely into it and Sakura isn't far behind if she has to admit. The wedding is _very_ cute and the owner, a man named Iruka, was more than happy to have guests…even if they were the only ones there.

Dog people are weird.

"Why are we here?" Sasuke hisses in her ear, just as Kakashi asks Maple to say her vows and actually _waits_ for a response in dead silence.

"Sssh," Sakura whispers back, nudging him hard in the gut with her knobby elbow—he nearly doubles over. "It's just getting to the good part. Besides," she gives him a smile. "Group bonding experiences, remember?"

"I _hate_ you."

"I know."

Eventually, Maple barks out what must be an "I do", as does Bandit, and the two share a kiss via a peanut-butter slathered dog toy. Naruto cries, jumping out of his fold out chair to clap wildly before he runs up to give the dogs a hug. Sasuke sinks further in his, fumbling with his phone. "Who ya texting, Sauce-cakes?"

He doesn't answer.

About 15 seconds later, Sakura's phone beeps: a text from Itachi.

 _Tell Sasuke I'm not picking him up from your little road trip. Please continue to make his life hell, as it is hilarious._

"Your brother says no," Sakura smirks, and Sasuke hangs his head low.

"…Do we have any more of that whiskey?" he croaks, nearly about to crack from all the ridiculousness he's been subjected to.

Sakura reaches under her chair and passes him her water bottle that is definitely not filled with water. "Way ahead of you, Buttercup."

.

fin

.

a/n: team 7 are the powerpuff girls

this was a million and one inside jokes with a friend all in one fic enjoy.


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